When a faculty starts to dim, it takes a long time to figure out what’s happening. Balance doesn’t vanish in an afternoon. The sound of the oven timer doesn’t become undetectable in a day. These sly developments happen over time. Nonetheless, they always come as a surprise – a deplorable, but inevitable, surprise.
A deplorable, but inevitable, surprise.
It’s a slippery slope from 20/20 vision to needing reading glasses. Shots that go wide of the mark are to be expected. A single visual misperception in baking and you’re tossing the results into the compost. Yes, there comes the day when everything qualifies as ‘fine print’. The condition is called presbyopia and the word derives from ecclesiastical Latin, presbuteros, meaning elder. The single most treacherous time is in the early days, when you don’t recognize what’s happening.
Herewith, an illustration about presbyopia and matrimony.
A man I was married to – going forward let’s call him the wusband – would lumber through our halls, raging about the lack of sufficient lighting in the house. “Why”, he’d holler as he lunged for the light switches, “is it always so damned dark in here?!” “Turn on some #@* lights!”, he’d bellow as he sidled up close to a window looking for daylight to illuminate whatever it was he was trying to read.
Here’s what he suspected was happening.
“Mwha, ha, ha, ha!”
While the wusband slept, equipped with a flashlight and a mask, I swooped from room to room, secretly removing any lightbulb in the house that was 60 watts or higher. In their stead, I replaced them with feeble light bulbs in the 25 watt range – sad, little, appliance-type light bulbs better meant for sewing machines and fridges. Silhouetted by the moon, I’d throw back my head and laugh – “Mwah, ha, ha, ha!” – assured that my mission to render him helpless was a success.
In his mind, there could be no other explanation.
Here’s what really happened. Nothing. I hadn’t touched any of the lightbulbs. They were all as they had always been: 60 or 100 watt bulbs. I took to having every pot light and lamp on when the wusband came home but, somehow – bafflingly – the problem persisted. I would protest my utter incomprehension of what he was talking about.
And then, one fateful day I found myself edging closer to a window looking for daylight to clarify a word on the page. I mistook a TBSP for a TSP in a recipe. It became impossible to thread a needle except at high noon on the summer solstice.
… it became impossible to thread a needle
except at high noon on the summer solstice.
Clearly, someone was swapping out all my lightbulbs for lower wattages. What else could explain the trouble I was having?
I was in good company: The Canadian Health Measures Survey shows that about half of Canadians aged 40 to 64 require some vision correction and that figure balloons closer to two thirds for people 65 to 79.
Yep, glasses are part of just about everybody’s future.
That, and higher watt light bulbs.
This week’s question for readers:
DO YOU HAVE VISION CORRECTION OF ANY KIND – SURGICAL OR GLASSES?
Leave your Comments below!
Register for The Plain Jane newsletter and stay up to date with upcoming contests.
Submissions to last week’s question:
ARE YOU A MOVIEGOER? ANY FIRSTS, FAVES OR HOLIDAY RITUALS?
Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russell is my go-to favourite movie. Flamboyant Mame adopts her orphaned nephew Patrick and they live in her Manhattan apartment which she redecorates every 10 years – my favourite is the Danish ‘Yul Ulu’ version. Free-spirited Mame and Patrick have some zany adventures in the ‘roaring twenties’ right through the depression. The characters are hilarious – a classic!
Alastair Johnstone and Jeanette Langmann
Disney’s Beauty and the Beast is forever etched into my mind. My mom took my sister and I to see it when we were little kids – it was our first theatre experience! – and I still remember sitting in our seats waiting for the show to start and the excitement as the theatre dimmed. I still love that moment when the house lights go down.
Jessica Wong
Husband Larry and I go to our beloved Star Cinema in Sidney at least once weekly. Sandy, the owner, brings in a variety of movies, including film festival favourites. Many are recent releases, but she’ll also re-screen audience favourites like Intouchables. There are three theatres.
The atmosphere is cosy and friendly. The popcorn is the best I’ve ever had. And across the road is Small Gods Brewing, with excellent craft beer and sandwiches. Sandy has a sign that reads “Our patrons look so youthful: please let us know if you qualify for senior tickets.” What’s not to love?
Madeleine Lefebvre
I was a big moviegoer until Cinemax stopped running movie listings in The Vancouver Sun. Now I never know what’s playing, when or where. Last time I was at the movies was 2021. I called Cinemax about putting the listings back in the paper and they just laughed. Not making that up.
And yes, I do miss going to the movies.
Patrick Quail
My all time favourite Christmas movie is “A Christmas Story” and is a ‘must watch’ every year. It brings back so many happy memories of growing up in a small town in north-western Ontario: snowsuits, listening to the large radio, fighting a smoking furnace, Lifebuoy soap, and many more. The school scenes, both inside and out, were so much like my own experience. The book upon which the film is based: “In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash”, by Jean Shepherd is equally as enchanting.
Lynda Blundell
I am a moviegoer but one of us has changed over time. Of the many choices at the local multiplex, only one might interest me. The rest are animated films for the very young or super hero movies for the age group that largely go to films. I’d go to anything with Tom Hanks in it. Humphrey Bogart is still my hero. Watching him and Kathryn Hepburn in the African Queen makes me cheer for the little guy. The Caine Mutiny court martial scenes bring sympathy to my heart for Captain Queeg. I like the theatre experience but one of us has changed a lot.
Eric Sykes
There is one movie I shall always remember. Mid-1950s, I was 19, with a new boyfriend, on a first date of dinner and a movie. The movie was Audie Murphy’s autobiography “To Hell And Back”. Imagine my embarrassment when my date went up to the box office and asked for two returns!
Having got over the initial reaction I couldn’t stop laughing. What a great guy and we had a great evening!
Ann Ligertwood
It has been my ongoing pleasure to be an attendee (over 40 years) and a volunteer (close to 20 years) with the Kamloops Film Society. This incredible group has been showcasing the best the films industry has had to offer for 50 years.
I remember first attending film nights held in the health unit back in the 70’s but today, the society, thanks to the largesse of the Kelson family, owns the Paramount Theatre. The society sponsors the Thursday Films Series, the Indigenous Film Festival, CineLoops: French Film Festival and the annual Kamloops Films Festival which includes the Kamloops Independent Short Shorts Festival for up and coming filmmakers.
Cinema is alive and well in Kamloops and to those who regularly attend the Paramount, it is a large part of their social and educational life.
As for holiday rituals: It’s a Wonderful Life; Scrooge (with Alastair Sim); plus The Nativity, generally viewed with my daughter.
Cathy Holman
In the 70’s, my husband and I lived in Ottawa. There were many movie theatres downtown, among them a brand new Famous Players. It was grandiose, with two floors and an escalator. We used to go to the movies every other week and sometimes twice a week with friends. At the time, the price of a ticket was $5 for a double feature. It seemed then that many new movies would be released at the same time so there was a great variety being offered. I saw my first Woody Allen – Play it Again Sam – and movies like Towering Inferno and Little Big Man at The Elgin movie theatre. It was an experience to go to the movies. A number of times we parked the car behind the Parliament buildings as it was walking distance to the movie theatre. I look forward to seeing the new Agatha Christie movie and sharing the experience in the dark with a bunch of people.
Francine Bergeron
One of the all time great Christmas movies for me is Christmas in Connecticut from 1945, starring Barbara Stanwyck. TCM shows it regularly. And the best Scrooge movie ever is A Christmas Carol from 1951, starring Alistair Sim.
D. Rogers
We love to watch movies on the big screen – with popcorn of course. Selecting our seats online makes arriving at the theater stress free. I recently got a CineClub membership which includes one free Cineplex movie per month, a discount for extra tickets and no online booking fees!
Carrie Beavington
The toddler in my story is now grown, married and with a toddler of his own, but quite a few years back, my best friend and I would go to the first Saturday morning drive-in show in our PJs. I think it was often at 11am. She would drive over in her PJs with her son still sleeping in the back seat. I would climb in with my PJs on and we would head out to the movies. Sometimes her son would sleep through the movies, sometimes he would wake up and watch with us. It was always a great time. It was “our thing”. Movies are such great connectors!
Deni Loubert
The last time I was in a movie theatre was to see the very first ‘Star Wars’ movie. Absolute rubbish! Shown some fleapit on the Kingsway, as I recall. On one previous occasion in the last 50 years, I think I saw something else, but the stink of popcorn drove me out. I have a large collection of DVDs, many burned from TCM broadcasts over the last decade or two, including many of the best comedies from the UK in the 1950s, favourite Christmas movies, and early James Bond movies. All in complete privacy in the company of a large glass of red wine!
Ian Price
My favourite activity comes Christmas time is to watch a film by the name of “A Christmas Story”. It stars Peter Billingsley and it is about Ralphie and the air rifle. It’s special because, like all children at that magical age, the excitement of Christmas is paralleled by nothing else. Traditionally, back in the day, before adulthood overruled childhood, my family and I would watch this classic comedy and match the dialogue word-for-word. We’d even catcall the script with what we imagined was funny!
As Dean Martin sang,”Memories are made of this”.
Ainsley Lucky